I guess I'm only brokenhearted, life's not over, I can start again.. :)

The Child in Me

When I was little, I used to think that when I reach this age that I am right now, I'd be successful, rich and making something worth proud of, very very worth proud of.

But, I was wrong, so wrong..

Life turned out to be one hell of a roller coaster ride for me; not always fun at all. I mean, of course I'm grateful and thankful for what I have right now, but at the same time also disappointed. I thought life was gonna get so much easier after finishing school or college, but reality bites, the real world is a scary, yet cruel place.

Growing up wasn't easy. Especially in a home filled with anger, yelling, affair, drama, divorce and everything else in between. I used to be so scared to go home. That's why I love to go out myself sometimes up until now, I just wanted to escape from it all and just wanted to stay in peace, all by myself.

Most of the time when I was little, when shit happened, I sit in the corner of my room beside my bed, crying. There, as I remember, I promised myself that I have to make it happen for myself, I have to make myself happy, I have to be responsible and take care of myself, I owe it to me; the child in me, she was never really happy, so I owe it to her, I have to make her happy.

Years have gone by, yet I still owe the child in me what she deserves..

I'm getting older, in fact so much older than I can take, but nothing has changed. I know I've been living until today always trying to learn and be a better person for myself and for everyone, and it worked at some point, but there's always this big hole inside of me that I can't fill. A hole of emptiness. And I still feel her pain, I can still see her face crying, she's waiting for the moment to come.

That's what I'm most disappointed at, nothing is happening to me..

As for now, I guess there aren't much thing I can do besides just keep on trying, perhaps even harder. I know there are still a lot of people who are less fortunate than me, I have to be really grateful for that. And someday I know for sure that my time will come; my time to shine. I should just keep looking forward instead of looking back to the past all the time.

I shall wait for that moment, and when that day comes, I can't wait to see her smiling face, it's been years since I last seen it.

"young girl don't cry..I'll be right here when your world starts to fall.."

xoxo, Miss Ciccone

"Don't you bring me down..today"

"Nice guys finish last.."

Is it? Really? I've been living by believing that quote for so many years; that good people will win in the end or perhaps it means that the truth will revealed in the end. I don't really know what's to believe anymore.

When somebody hurts you real bad, what are you gonna do? For me, I've always been the one who made peace or walked away, without saying or doing anything in revenge. Problems were mostly solved, but I feel like people are always gonna have more ability to bring me down, because I'm being this very nice and forgiving person.

Lately, I've been trying to do the otherwise. I'm so over being a good person - on certain situation, because what's the point? I always got mis-leaded or misunderstood anyway. So, besides just walking away from it all, I want those people (who hurt me) to feel my pain. I want them to suffer a bit. I'm not gonna kill them or anything, I just wanna give them a lesson.

But honestly, that doesn't do anything much to me at all, well perhaps just for a little while. Because that's not me, that's not who I am as a person. Of all people, I know that by doing those things, it doesn't make me a better person, but like I said earlier: I'm so tired of being a good person who always end up getting hurt.

Confused huh? Likewise.

Sometimes I wish I could put people in my shoes so they can see what kind of life that I've been living from an early childhood. I've been hurt so many times. It's not easy to be a good person after what I've gone through. Believe me!! But I've tried so far and I'm still trying. Maybe I'm just not at my strongest moment lately. Well, I'm only human after all.

So I guess I'd just have to stick on being this good person that I've always been. And maybe learn to let go. I think that's my main problem: Letting go. It's such a hard thing to do. Perhaps that's why I couldn't really get over anything, it's always in me; all the hurt and the pain, because I never really let it all go.

But I think I'm gonna be better, in fact..much better, in time.

Let's forget the enemies, there are more important things in life.

Well, it's almost dawn now, and the song I'm listening is almost over; right at the end when Christina's voice is almost shrinking and weak as she says: "don't you bring me down..today."

xoxo, Miss Ciccone

Bitches Don't Just Happen, They're Made

"Bitches don't just happen, they're made."

Oh I just love that quote ever since I watched the season finale of Gossip Girl last night!! It's referring to Blair Waldorf, of course: My favorite cast on the show. Being a bitch doesn't always necessary means you're naughty or perhaps, skanky, but to me it means strong, powerful and in control. It's like, you know what you want and you work hard to get it. Another quote about being a bitch that I like is from my spiritual mom, Madonna: "Sometimes you have to be a bitch to get things done." I just love it cause it's so true, especially in this world dominated by men. But of course, you can't help but imagining some negative things when you think about the word "bitch." That's life; some positive, some negative - at some point. Let's leave it that way.

I guess I was never like any of which huh? All my life, I guess, I've been a good girl. Well, not goody-goody like Hillary Duff kind, but you know, I'm no Paris Hilton either. Perhaps I'm more Miley Cyrus? Oh, let's not go there!! Anyway, I guess I was always being more good than being bad. Or perhaps I was the type of person that only dreamed or wished of being bad once in awhile. You know, the kind that only thinks about it, but never really doing it. Yeah, I guess that's me. From 1-10, I think my rate of being bad (or nasty or bitchy or whatever you wanna call it) is 5. Or perhaps 6? Maybe 7,5 depends on what day it is, hehe.

On a second thought, I wanna be evil at times. Even though I know it's wrong and pointless and whatnot, but just being one for like a second, just to taste that glimpse of satisfaction, I think it's worth of something. I didn't say that something is always a good thing, OK?

Perhaps by being so, I can get what I really want. Or perhaps I can end this seemingly long-life of me being single if I'm being a slutty bitch. I mean, guys dig bad girls right? OK, again I'm talking as if I don't know which one is right or wrong. But that's the point!! I wanna play stupid and clueless but bitchy at the same time!! Oh, I hope my dear late grandma is proud of me right now for saying this.

I guess that's the problem: It's about time for me to find someone!! I still can't believe I'm saying this, I mean, it's me, hello?! Where did that 'afraid of commitment freak' go? Well, she's still here, only wiser and older. Just about a decade late to realize that she needed someone.

But where to look? I'm confused. I mean, I'm always around guys; like last Saturday night I went out with Alvin, Pepi, Nedy, Mardjo, Mamby, Andre, Leo and Fajar to Cork&Screw and was having some fine wine. I felt like a princess surrounded by her..emm, knights? I love that. But these are my friends, none of 'em are my boyfriends, so what's the point? I need someone to rely besides friends. Or should I start dating one of 'em? Ugh..I guess Mayumi was right; I am desperate!!

I really don't know where this is going actually, pardon me, I'm just sleepy..

Guess I am playing stupid all along, I know I'm a bitch and I'm proud to be one.

xoxo, Miss Ciccone

Adam

Let me tell you a story about someone
His name is Adam
He is one of a kind
He drunk me with his poison
His dark hair, his gorgeous lips
The look in his eyes; it's perfection

He lives somewhere in my fantasy
In a place where we could be anything we want to be
I was infatuated by his music
Drowned in emotion as he sings his lullaby to me

Oh Adam confuses me with reality
Could this be true what I am feeling?
Or he might not be the person I thought he would be
Adam confuses me with reality
Could this be real what I am seeing?
Or he’d probably be just another fantasy

Now let me tell you when Adam crosses my mind
It happens every time I close my eyes
Oh he was so fine
He drives me crazy with his gentle touch
Hypnotize me with his deepest stare
The look of lust has never blinded me so much

His sweet kisses, softly sweep all my tears away
Just a glimpse of him puts me in a massive curiosity
It is something rare yet something I couldn’t explain
The beautiful melody of his soul tempts within me

Oh Adam confuses me with reality
Could this be true what I am feeling?
Or he might not be the person I thought he would be
Adam confuses me with reality
Could this be real what I am seeing?
Or he’d probably be just another fantasy

I might be out of my mind
Love has made me so blind
But I’m so in love and I can’t help falling in love
This all may be just my imagination
When dreams and reality have led to confusion
But I’m so in love and I can’t help falling in love

written by Miss Ciccone

What a Glorious Feelin'

"Oh what a spontaneous day Wednesday was!!" - OK I'm just imagining myself saying those words with a thick British accent, it sounds silly rather than convincing. Besides spontaneous, today has won the price for The Most Blank Day of the week so far. And here's why:

When I was little, my doctor said that I have this little tendency to have autism, now I believe him, perhaps it wasn't just a little, perhaps it's bigger. Or perhaps it grows just as I do. OK too many 'perhaps' is never good. The thing is I really didn't care about anything around me today. I was just focusing on me, yes me. Even my cell phone is still silent up to this very minute. Call me crazy or anything (and see if I care), but I feel like I'm living in another world; my imaginary world. OK that sounds scary, but I'm not crazy - I think, and somehow I was really enjoying how Wednesday turned out.

It was another day to spend at Plaza Senayan. I had this meeting for work with the most dull people you'll ever meet in the world. I didn't get their jokes, they're all above 30, they were talking about those stupid infotainments nonsense every 5 minutes and they were wearing unmatched accessories. They wanted to revise some work and wanted me to write some script about some stupid..stupid show. I was being very quiet all the time, so not me - I know!! I didn't hear what they were saying, I wasn't even paying attention. My eyes were staring at those paperworks but my mind was somewhere else. That 30 minutes meeting felt like 30 days, I was all bored.

Then it was already late and I didn't wanna go home yet, so I decided to go and see a movie. I bumped in to a lot of friends there, but since I was being autism and all, I didn't really care. All I wanted to do was just go straight to the theater and see a movie. I was checking up movie schedules from my cell phone, I was going to see "What Happens In Vegas", the movie was about to start in less than 10 minutes at Senayan City. So I rushed myself there (it was just across the street) and running through those endless escalators - it was some hard work especially on an empty stomach. Once I got there the movie was already showing since 1,5 hours ago, I was all confused, it turned out I checked the wrong schedule on my cell phone. I mean, hello..Plaza Senayan? Senayan City? doesn't it sound the same once in a while? Well, maybe not, like I said, I have autism today.

So I ran back to Plaza Senayan, walking down those evil stairs and crossing that noisy street in my heels!! Oh so Sex&The City huh? - I never even watched that series. Then I finally made it to the theater while sighing, sniffing and coughing a little. I was late. In my world, there are nothing worse than showing up late to a movie. So I think watching "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian" would be the best idea, since the movie was just about to start when I came.

I was lost. I couldn't remember anything about the first sequel of the movie two years ago. But two of the male cast was kinda cute, so I had nothing to lose. Besides, it was all about Prince and Princess, Kings and Queens and whatnot, I've always dreamt about being a Princess so I ended up enjoying the movie. I think I'm gonna rate it 3 starts out of 5.

The movie ended close to midnight. It was raining hard outside, just perfect. In times like that I wish I didn't put my heels on before going out. All the main doors were closed so I had to took the back door and wait for a cab from the back lobby. There was no cab at all, so there was no choice for me besides going outside to the street to look for it. I didn't re-think it, the next thing I knew I was running in my heels again in to the front side of the building. It was a long run. Outside, there were many people looking for cab as well. I was all wet and instead of being grumpy about it, I kept smiling and patiently waiting for that lucky cab. Then Gene Kelly's voice started to come into my mind as he sang: "Doo doo doo doo..doo doo doo doo doo doo..", then I started ticking as his voice got bigger: "I'm singin' in the rain..just singin' in the rain..what a glorious feeling..I'm happy again..", so I just sang along with him. I could've sang Rihanna's "Umbrella" though, that would've been more sexy, but since I love old school movies, Gene Kelly's classic was the perfect choice.

I kept running here and there as if I knew where I was going - while still singing, of course. Then I kept imagining that I was this girl in the rain hand in hand with a boy, all dancing and singing just like in classic musicals. Oh I'm so hopelessly romantic, ain't I? It went on about 8 to 10 minutes before I finally found my cab. What a long effort to go home. But at least I enjoyed Wednesday night and oh, I won't forget that kiss I had with that boy in the rain. Uhm? What kiss? What boy? Oh yeah forgot, autism!! :p

xoxo, Miss Ciccone